More St. Peter Jokes!
A forester and a lawyer were in a car accident and showed up at the
pearly gates together. St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates and
takes them to the homeswhere they will spend all of eternity. They
get into St. Peter's holy vehicle and head on down a gold road, which
turns into a platinum road, which turns onto an even grander road
paved with diamonds, to a huge mansion where St. Peter turns to
the lawyer and says, here is your home for the rest of eternity,
enjoy! And if there is anything you need, just let me know.
Then St. Peter took the forester to his home, back down the diamond
studded boulevard, down the platinum highway, down the street of
gold, down an avenue of silver, along a stone alley and down an
unpaved footpath to a shack. St Peter says "Here you go" and goes
to leave when the forester says "Wait a minute!, how come the
lawyer gets the big mansion and I get this shack?"
St. Peter says: "Well, Foresters are a dime a dozen here,
we have never had a lawyer before."
A minister dies and, resplendent in his clerical collar and colorful robes, waits in line at the Pearly Gates. Just ahead of him is a guy dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I'm Joe Green, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City." Saint Peter consults his list, smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff, and enter into the Kingdom."
So the taxi-driver enters Heaven with his robe and staff, and the minister is next in line. Without being asked, he proclaims, "I am Michael O'Connor, head pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."
Saint Peter consults his list and says, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Just a minute," says the preacher, "that man was a taxi-driver, and you issued him a silken robe and golden staff. But I get wood and cotton. How can this be?"
"Up here, we go by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept -- while he drove, people prayed."
On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside heavens gate waiting on St. Peter to do the paperwork so they can enter. While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him. St. Peter says, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.
The couple sit for a couple of months and begin to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work out?" they wonder, "Are we stuck together forever?" St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you can get married in Heaven." "Great," says the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple. "Geez!" St. Peter exclaims, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it's going to take for me to find a lawyer?"
The Pope arrives in heaven, where St. Peter awaits him. St. Peter asks who he is.
The Pope: "I am the pope."
St. Peter: "Who? There's no such name in my book."
The Pope: "I'm the representative of God on Earth."
St.Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me ..."
The Pope: "But I am the leader of the Catholic Church ..."
St. Peter: "The Catholic church ... Never heard of it ... Wait, I'll check with the boss."
St. Peter walks away through Heaven's Gate to talk with God.
St. Peter: "There's a dude standing outside who claims he's your representative on earth."
God: "I don't have a representative on earth, not that I know of ... Wait, I'll askJesus." (yells for Jesus)
Jesus: "Yes father, what's up?"
God and St. Peter explain the situation.
Jesus: "Wait, I'll go outside and have a little chat with that fellow."
Ten minutes pass and Jesus reenters the room laughing out loud. After a few minutes St. Peter asks Jesus why he's laughing.
Jesus: "Remember that fishing club I've started 2000 years ago? It still exists!"
An old lady was on a flight. She was sitting beside a young businessman.
After the in-flight meal she took out her Holy Bible and starts her devotion.
The businessman glances at her and said. "Do you really believe those stuff in the Bible is true?"
"Well, yes, as a matter of fact I do," said the old lady.
"Yeah, right..." the man scoffs, "like... what's that guy's name, the one who got swallowed by a whale..."
"You mean Jonah?"
"Yeah, Jonah, I mean, how do you actually survive for 3 days in a fish's bowel?"
"I don't know," replied the old lady, "but I can ask him when I see him in heaven someday."
Feeling smart, the young man said: "Ok, but what if he's not in heaven because he went to hell?"
"Then young man, *you* can ask him" replied the old lady calmly.
An 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, die in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to the wife's interest in health food.
When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite with Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed", the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
"It's free," Peter replied, Remember, this is Heaven."
Next they went out back to see the championship golf course the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on Earth. The old man asked, "What are the green fees?"
"This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You play for free."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine's of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man.
"Don't you understand yet?" St. Peter asked. "This is heaven. It's free!"
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods?" the old man asked timidly.
"That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."
The old man looked at his wife and said, "You and your stupid bran muffins. I could have been here ten years ago!
One night a man died and went to heaven. He met St. Peter at the pearly gates and St. Peter escorted him in. As they walked down a long hall there were clocks everywhere but they all went at different speeds. The man asked St. Peter for an explanation. St. Peter explained that each person on earth had a clock and that each time they sinned the clock ticked a tock. Promptly they passed a clock that wasn't moving and the man asked whose it was. Oh, that is Billy Grahms. They passed many other clock along the hall but one persons they never saw. So he asked St. Peter, where is Bill Clinton's clock. St. Peter said, Oh, we keep it in God's office for a fan.
pearly gates together. St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates and
takes them to the homeswhere they will spend all of eternity. They
get into St. Peter's holy vehicle and head on down a gold road, which
turns into a platinum road, which turns onto an even grander road
paved with diamonds, to a huge mansion where St. Peter turns to
the lawyer and says, here is your home for the rest of eternity,
enjoy! And if there is anything you need, just let me know.
Then St. Peter took the forester to his home, back down the diamond
studded boulevard, down the platinum highway, down the street of
gold, down an avenue of silver, along a stone alley and down an
unpaved footpath to a shack. St Peter says "Here you go" and goes
to leave when the forester says "Wait a minute!, how come the
lawyer gets the big mansion and I get this shack?"
St. Peter says: "Well, Foresters are a dime a dozen here,
we have never had a lawyer before."
A minister dies and, resplendent in his clerical collar and colorful robes, waits in line at the Pearly Gates. Just ahead of him is a guy dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I'm Joe Green, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City." Saint Peter consults his list, smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff, and enter into the Kingdom."
So the taxi-driver enters Heaven with his robe and staff, and the minister is next in line. Without being asked, he proclaims, "I am Michael O'Connor, head pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."
Saint Peter consults his list and says, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Just a minute," says the preacher, "that man was a taxi-driver, and you issued him a silken robe and golden staff. But I get wood and cotton. How can this be?"
"Up here, we go by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept -- while he drove, people prayed."
On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside heavens gate waiting on St. Peter to do the paperwork so they can enter. While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him. St. Peter says, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.
The couple sit for a couple of months and begin to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work out?" they wonder, "Are we stuck together forever?" St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you can get married in Heaven." "Great," says the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple. "Geez!" St. Peter exclaims, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it's going to take for me to find a lawyer?"
The Pope arrives in heaven, where St. Peter awaits him. St. Peter asks who he is.
The Pope: "I am the pope."
St. Peter: "Who? There's no such name in my book."
The Pope: "I'm the representative of God on Earth."
St.Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me ..."
The Pope: "But I am the leader of the Catholic Church ..."
St. Peter: "The Catholic church ... Never heard of it ... Wait, I'll check with the boss."
St. Peter walks away through Heaven's Gate to talk with God.
St. Peter: "There's a dude standing outside who claims he's your representative on earth."
God: "I don't have a representative on earth, not that I know of ... Wait, I'll askJesus." (yells for Jesus)
Jesus: "Yes father, what's up?"
God and St. Peter explain the situation.
Jesus: "Wait, I'll go outside and have a little chat with that fellow."
Ten minutes pass and Jesus reenters the room laughing out loud. After a few minutes St. Peter asks Jesus why he's laughing.
Jesus: "Remember that fishing club I've started 2000 years ago? It still exists!"
An old lady was on a flight. She was sitting beside a young businessman.
After the in-flight meal she took out her Holy Bible and starts her devotion.
The businessman glances at her and said. "Do you really believe those stuff in the Bible is true?"
"Well, yes, as a matter of fact I do," said the old lady.
"Yeah, right..." the man scoffs, "like... what's that guy's name, the one who got swallowed by a whale..."
"You mean Jonah?"
"Yeah, Jonah, I mean, how do you actually survive for 3 days in a fish's bowel?"
"I don't know," replied the old lady, "but I can ask him when I see him in heaven someday."
Feeling smart, the young man said: "Ok, but what if he's not in heaven because he went to hell?"
"Then young man, *you* can ask him" replied the old lady calmly.
An 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, die in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to the wife's interest in health food.
When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite with Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed", the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
"It's free," Peter replied, Remember, this is Heaven."
Next they went out back to see the championship golf course the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on Earth. The old man asked, "What are the green fees?"
"This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You play for free."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine's of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man.
"Don't you understand yet?" St. Peter asked. "This is heaven. It's free!"
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods?" the old man asked timidly.
"That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."
The old man looked at his wife and said, "You and your stupid bran muffins. I could have been here ten years ago!
One night a man died and went to heaven. He met St. Peter at the pearly gates and St. Peter escorted him in. As they walked down a long hall there were clocks everywhere but they all went at different speeds. The man asked St. Peter for an explanation. St. Peter explained that each person on earth had a clock and that each time they sinned the clock ticked a tock. Promptly they passed a clock that wasn't moving and the man asked whose it was. Oh, that is Billy Grahms. They passed many other clock along the hall but one persons they never saw. So he asked St. Peter, where is Bill Clinton's clock. St. Peter said, Oh, we keep it in God's office for a fan.